Wonderland

While I loved the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, as well as the books, I have to admit, I wasn't able to get through much of the latest version (even though I do like Johnny Depp!)

What made this quote stand out to me though, is the concept of falling down.  I have done a lot of falling down in my life.  A lot.  We all have.  Think about when you learned to walk, or ride a bike... falling was par for the course!  It never stopped you from walking or biking though.

So why, as an adult, when I fall, do I feel so defeated?  Where did I lose that sense of purpose, of adventure... where did I drop the zest for newness, the thrill of accomplishing what felt impossible only moments before?  When did I become so fearful of trying?  So afraid to live?

My wonderland is still out there, I know it is.  It's possible I'm actually living in my wonderland right now, but I'm stuck in that dark hole, and just haven't yet reached the light.

A Little Sunshine

In case you haven't noticed, I've been in a crabby place lately.  (That's ok, it took me a while to realize it too!)  I am going to try a self-imposed attitude adjustment.  I can't guarantee how well it will work, but it's worth a try.  With that in mind... here's a bit of a sunnier quote to start the week.

They Paved Paradise

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Nine simple words.  A million complex feelings.

The hardest part is when you get an emotional punch in the stomach that knocks the wind out of you for a little while.  While gasping for air, the overwhelming sense of longing weighs you down, pinning you to the spot until the moment(s) pass and you can breathe normally.

Often, for quite a while after, my heart aches.  In those few moments, all I want is whoever it is I'm missing.  Just for a few minutes... I know it won't fix things, but in that moment?  It's all I want.  Doesn't matter how many times I revisit old emails or notes or pictures or whatever.  Sometimes that makes the ache worse, not better. 

I guess the good news is that now I know what it's like to have people around you worth missing.  I guess I didn't have that very often, so I never realized how painful it can feel to miss someone.  Supposedly, this is a good thing.  (Jury's still out.)  Good or bad, I'm chalking it all up to another learning experience during this journey called life.  I guess it's a good thing I like to learn...

(In case you don't get it the title, click here.)

Surfing

Have you ever been surfing?  I have.  It's a lot of work, but it is so much fun!  I learned to surf several years ago, and while I will not post pictures of the embarrassing but fun experience, I will tell you this: I learned a lot more about life from surfing than I expected.

For example... You can't force the waves to come.  You have to sit patiently and wait.  When you see *the* wave, the one you want to ride, you have to do something.  You can't just sit there.  You have to actively seek the wave you wish to ride on the waves time, not yours.  You can't control the ocean, instead, you need to go with the flow.

How the hell am I ever going to learn to surf feelings if the waves never slow down?  I mean, it's as if the ocean of my life has been under a severe storm warning for the last three months, and just when you think one round of storms pass, and the ocean settles down, here comes the next storm.  The rain, the tears, they are overwhelming...

Choosing which one to surf... now that's a funny thought, considering me trying to make a choice these days is like trying to catch the big one while your surf board is on the beach.  I'm trying to keep one thing in mind... some of the roughest waves, once caught, make for the best rides to shore...

Vacation?

Have you ever felt like that before?  Like you want to leave the world behind for a little while, including yourself?

I'm ready.  I'm ready to leave my self, my life, my world- all of it, behind.  Just for a little while.

Life has been so exhausting these last few weeks.  Logically, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel won't last forever, but right now, in the thick of all this?  I'm tired of feeling the constant ache.  I'm tired of feeling lost and logic isn't helping.

There's way too much good in my life, in my world, for me to feel this down.  That makes it all the more frustrating.  I DO see the good in my world, all the happiness and positive things that are there... I'm just at a place where the rest of the stuff, the not-so-good stuff, is overriding the good.  My generally optimistic attitude is being clouded by pessimism. Not a big fan of this "half-empty" thinking.  I just don't have the energy to change it right now.

I gotta change that.  And soon.

Shocking. Not.

This about sums it up.  I know that shit happens.  I know what to expect from whom.  I've been around long enough to know that people are really rather reliable, oftentimes we just wish their reliability was of the dependable type....

Guess that when I'm not feeling myself (aka, recovering from relatively major surgery) I put myself in that uncomfortable position of letting myself down.  Even though I know people haven't changed, I let them in just a little bit (even though EVERY bone in my body is screaming NOOOOOO!) and expect a different outcome.

Nope.  Fail.  My bad. 

Where's the reset button when you need it?